Unworthiness is A Bitch

Artwork by Alessandro Mulya

One day I realize; I am about a three quarter left to my deathbed. While the thought itself might be a little macabre, it is still an outlook unto world…the realest one there is. I thought a lot about what is circulating in and out of social media these days…that our parents achieved more than us on the same 30s age. Sure, things were comparably easier back then — at least, some strong arguments show it — but I can never shake the unmistakably feeling. I know this eerie feeling before, and I certainly have it these days.

It is the feeling of unworthy.

But to strike it as one requires so many checkboxes to fill…and those train of negative thoughts of how little I’ve accomplished ambushed my head faster than I knew it could. Midway there, I never got the urge again to find my future lover — or girlfriend, as I might put it simply, and albeit how much I said I didn’t care about it now, my mind wanders elsewhere. Elsewhere in the distant future. That I will die alone, which I know, is an over exaggeration of things to come, but you know how our brains work.

My parents juggle college and work perfectly well. They finished in time and managed to secure enough money to buy themselves a decent house. I barely finished my college on the sixth year running and the money I’ve saved are barely enough to afford a brand-new smartphone, let alone a house. I saved the pep talk about capitalism and all the heavy topics later — because sometimes, it is too much to think about that and how the world revolves when you are overwhelmed by the feeling of drowning sadness, and it’s coming fast and deep.

Albeit I could evade all sharp questions from families during any meetings ever about why is taking so long to finish college with a simple answer of; “I have work.” It doesn’t really happen all that smoothly, ever. At the meetings, or at the work itself. You know, as someone in his 20s living in a ultra-corporate work, you are always one mistake away from being sacked and contractually obligated to always be on your very best since day on; and such things were virtually impossible. Surely enough, there were days that reminds me that doing work is better than being unemployed…but that doesn’t mean all of my problems end there. Somehow, the little fleas of insecurity still manages to stick to my back and multiplies into a burden nobody wants to carry. Sick days flea. Monthly target flea. Key performance flea.

It brings me back — this particular feeling. I felt it numerous times during my childhood, and that’s a regular occurrences when you’re constantly being bullied as a kid and being looked down upon for being different ( I try to treat my difference as being “special”, but even that doesn’t work as I thought it would be ). See, the insecurity you felt the first time around and the thousandth time around feels all the same. Different problems, but same eerie feeling. Sometimes, it doesn’t help being positive all the time around and by simply saying “it’s just a bad day”. It could be a bad month or a bad year all around…and like Homer Simpson said, it is the worst day of my life so far.

What I fail to understand most times is that I lack the ability of letting go…Sure, the moment will pass by and I will barely remember this particular situation in years — vaguely still. But that was not always the case. Some things, I do remember them. I do regret them. I do spent hours thinking about them. Moments that made me feel unworthy, albeit there is nothing I can do it about it. It was five or ten of fifteen years too late and I am still thinking how to change the past, like the idiot I am. It does make me feel unworthy sometimes. How do I cope with that? Easy.

How cringe it may sound, every soul is worth it. And I want everybody to know that…I put it on every closing statement on my podcast, and my ranting articles, and as a reminder for myself every once in a while ( and praying for you all, too! ). Through tough times, we are reminded of the good old days when we don’t have these problems…aren’t those good times are the times when we could study and work efficiently? the times when we could shop for anything we want and going through days worry-free in this world? And they could mean so much, for you and me. So for the sake of yourself, always measure yourself by the thing you do best — that’s where your worth is at.

If you are good at writing? You’re worth it. You are good with math? You’re worth it. You are jack of almost-every trade? You’re worth it. You are learning something and still suck at it? You’re worth it. You miss a couple of years behind on getting your feet back in college? You’re worth it. You don’t want to marry yet despite all the pressure from all around you? You’re worth it. You are worth every ounce of compassion from those around you, and if the people fail at giving those, compassion can come from within. So repeat after me for the ten thousandth time and for the ten thousandth more,

You are worth it.

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linktr.ee/alessandromulya

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Alessandro Mulya

Alessandro Mulya

linktr.ee/alessandromulya

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