The Smile of ( All of ) You; They Left Me

Artwork by Alessandro Mulya

Have you ever wonder about a moment; any moment. The first one that appear on your cabinet of thought, in the first drawer and on top of everything?

I thought I smell — and see a familiar face, it felt dearest to me, but it was never mine. Not in the first place and probably will never be. Should I be woken up but hey, it was not a dream too…yes, it was one of those pitiful moments.

Even I don’t know how many years have passed or is it true that our heart gets colder by the year they remains unthawed. All I know, or perhaps, all I believe, is that someday I will find my loved one — so maybe I shouldn’t worry too much about making it to the aisle someday…

But hey, life has a way to make you insecure.

Abruptly and in a day’s notice, I worry about how I will be a year later. Is it going to be exactly the same as I am today? It seem like that. Is it ever going to change? It doesn’t seem like that. Especially when I remember that my heart’ flutters from time to time, and the one filling the void always leave me in a year or so.

As years went by, I kept asking the same question but get different answers every time; “Am I going to be alone? Am I enjoying it?” the answers regress to the polar opposite as the days went by and with all the hand I once held drifts away. Is it the life of a big city taking it’s toll on me?

Unto the weekend, halfway through the weekdays, during the nights and days, I kept shoving these thoughts into the little dusty corner I never bothered to look. I have known more people than I have ever been and it feels even more lonely than before…it seems that yes, this heart of mine is yearning for something. Some feeling. And yeah, I know exactly what kind of feeling. The togetherness, the bound for love forever, the holding hands warmly kind of feeling.

Waiting patiently for it to happen, of course I try to keep my attention away from all that — from work to hobby to habitually making myself go everywhere all by my own, because that’s all I know. That’ all I ever know. I don’t know when all these lonely weekends will finally leave me alone, but I hope soon. Because again and again, I find myself stumbling with your smile. The smile of ( all of ) you, they left me. Wishing the next time is a different story indeed — because why would I wrote millions of romantic poems and novels if I couldn’t live one?




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Alessandro Mulya

Alessandro Mulya

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