Should I Stay or Should I Go

Artwork by Alessandro Mulya

The last couple of days has been nothing but harsh to me. I kept being directed to choices, hard choices. About work, about college, about romance, about friends, about life, and about myself. They say these things make you grow up and is the first step to becoming a full-fledged adult. To that I say; yes.

But hope has been a bitch.

It is hard for me to put even a tiny bit of good dream in an ultrarealistic world that we live in. It is hard for me to know that not the best scenario always unfolds. It is hard for me to mince words, let alone thoughts, the bad kinds, unto my brain and expects myself to not feel the emotion stirring from within.

Of work, I felt unsatisfied. I made contact with former colleague and he say I could join his team; an international growing business in need of a designer. To that, I said yes — I could make do at the end of my contract. But the month of it, he already has the vacancy filled and my higher-ups stay as cancerous as ever. To left work, is a hard choice to be made, simply because it is work. It is not as easy for me to find another one…let alone to take a gamble for the next job.

Of college, I felt uneasy. It is the last straw for me to continue, but it felt as hard as ever. Juggling work and college was never recommended by my family and friends, but hey, it has been a blast so far. But you know all the rollercoaster ride must come to an end, however high the hill or low the valley might be. I could only hope, but hey, as I said before…it doesn’t work that good for me so far.

Of romance, I felt uncertain. It has been years since the last unhealthy relationship for me, and to open up my heart is as hard as cracking open a padlock with bare hands. There are a few who made moves to me, but I failed to see it before it dissipates. I loved, but without words and actions. And even I know that it adds up to nothing at all, for me, or for her. I wanted to rewind and take what’s mine…but I was afraid it wasn’t even mine in the first place.

Of friends, I felt ungrateful. One of my close friend at work is resigning in such a short notice. Knowing well that I only have three close friends here is a kick in the head — but I can understand the reason. I can understand the motive. But I don’t want to understand any of it. Of course, I couldn’t do anything about it, too. At the time I was writing this, I began contacting all my other friends from all parts of the country…I won’t make the same mistake twice.

Of life, I felt unaccompanied. It’s day after day after day and I’m chasing nothing. There is not a thing I am ambitious about. All the designing, podcasting, writing, it felt so out of my head. Time felt so slow and my eyes hovering around the small cubicle, wondering “when?” but even I don’t know what next big event God has for me. It’s been a void…it’s becoming bigger every day, looming just beneath my very feet.

Of myself, I felt undeserving. Of everything there is, of everything I have. I have come so far and achieved so little. All the dreams I thought I am capable of reaching, they all failed. I can only hope since then, and hope is still all I have now. Being crushed to pieces today, I learn that hope works on some other days. Every time I get faced with a question, “Where will you see yourself five years in the future?” I seldom know…Preferably somewhere different, but that’s just hopeful.

It takes just one day for me to start reevaluating what is precious to me, what I aspire to be. What I want to achieve, and all the deep thoughts inside. It takes just one day to crush me, and I know it has happened before — countless times, even — but it still feels like the first time…Still hurts.

I’m always trying to embrace the feeling, no matter how sordid they appear; it feels humane to do so. And I said so, I acted so, I thought so, but it feels like I didn’t do hard enough to overcome this pebble in my shoe. It kept wearing me off every step of my journey going so far. Maybe it was meant to be. Maybe somebody will replace the emptiness so much, I never felt such feeling again. Maybe I was wrong about being hopeless. Maybe time will tell.

But for whatever it is, I stay — for whatever reason left to stay. I hope God prove me right for taking this one, and if it’s not,

I will go…this time, maybe so far away than I ever left anything ever before.

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