Artwork by Alessandro Mulya

Do you ever fall hard? Chances are, you have.

Physically, or mentally, or a little bit of both. Or maybe in some ways I don’t know. But one thing strings all of these things together; falling hard is hard. It is as painful as it is tearful, it is as dark as it is deep.

A little trivia went unto the maze of my brain that, perhaps somehow, I could barrier the entry for those “falling hard” moments. That I can magically make my feelings disappear for a brief moment of time. Is that possible? Turns out, it is not. That’s one thing about falling; you never know when it hits you. And when it did hits you, you realize in mid-air that you have screwed up hard.

I couldn’t make the punch disappear simply by closing my eyes, or make the girl I fell in love with bounce out from my heart. Savoring a moment is one thing, but falling with no consent for the things you hate most about is another thing. A bad thing, which is an oversimplification of event, but yes. It is bad.

It leaves me vulnerable for days. Do I want this? Can I get out of this? Could I do something about this? If yes, why don’t I just walk away? Question after question, they ambush me out of nowhere with their own conscience about what choice I should pick, what should I text next, what should I do, and all the other what’s.

And you know what, falling hard exposes you of one thing; no matter how hard it is, no matter how you’re feeling at the very moment, no matter the situation arises, you know only one thing, and one thing best — that there is always a way out. Always.

I talk ( or rambles, if I may ) about life a lot. A lot of things that I despises and blasphemous life deductions. To be fair, life was always like that. Life’s a bitch sometimes and yeah, falling hard is one of those bitch moments. Savoring such moments with white walls surrounded by nothing and nobody else around, slather it with sad songs and warm lights, finish it with rom-com movies and cheesy quotes, and bam! Your falling hard goes from simply falling to plunging into the deepest trench of Mariana. Which I have been doing for forever.

I could never get used to this feeling — it felt shaky. It felt like something that I shouldn’t do…but the emotion lingers. They always do.

As far as emotion goes, one by one, they goes away…right? Be it happiness or sadness, they all turn unto memoirs worth keeping ( or thrown, I don’t judge you people ). But falling is an emotion again and again puts you in a space confined, they are as wide as your sights but as near as your heart. They aren’t blank, they mean something, but the meaning always gets lost in translation.

I remember the times I fall hard, and those are the times I don’t want to remember. More often than I’m proud of are some of those moments, they are actually avoidable. Yeah that’s right, I have been jumping unto the same hole again and again and again. And I could only write about that. Like a jerk that I am now.

I kept on pursuing the little tugs of ropes whilst I was freefalling so fast, it’s almost useless. In adhere to my life motto that nothing is ever useless, I guess it meant something(?) That is, that the meaning is to give me pain, then God, so be it. So be it, that perhaps I could be a little more wise about it. That I left the precinct of crime with a little information — maybe about myself, and who I am really is.

All the rain in the world only teaches one thing and that is to take shelter. So does with falling hard…but I cannot wish for a comfy bed to fall upon or a safety harness so that it wouldn’t be so painful the second time. No, falling is as painful as it gets. It teaches me to be questionable about things that matters to me, and sometimes it doesn’t open or knock the door of opportunity for me, but rather closes them. Lock them. Throw them. Simply because I am afraid of what’s inside. Because I am afraid of falling.

But maybe inside my safe space, the opposite might happen — that terrible things await me, things I dislike most, and who am I kidding? Who likes to fall? I am not extreme sports maniac, and I’d rather live comfortably not knowing what happens on the other side of the fence with dog alerts on it.

But I believe, the time will come for me that I will fall, on accordance with my own terms, comfortably and with ease, to the things I’ve worked for and I loved. And until that time comes, I might as well prepare a parachute or two. Just you wait, sunshine. Just you wait.